I know it's bad to cut when you're sad. But I think it's worse when you don't know why you did it.

I'm sorry. I cut tonight.

Nobody gives a fuck about personality. How will any boy love me if nobody ever takes a second look at me?

lost about 3-4 kgs since I last weighed myself. I'm JUST back in a "healthy weight" for my BMI.

This blog isn't quite a journal any more. I can't help it- every time I know somebody is reading it's almost the same as being in person.

I'm different and I don't know how to show you. I don't know how to be me here.

I don't know if I will get to post later, I'll try.

I'm quite sure my "depression" is/was self inflicted. I'm sure I just had to sabotage myself . Maybe it's because I wanted to prove to myself I could get through something hard. Maybe that's why I miss it. How could you miss depression? it's horrible. But I want so bad to go back. I want to go deeper. I found parts of myself I never knew existed. i want to know if there's more.

There was a "bomb threat" at school today. It was hardly a bomb and it was never going to go off- they put the wrong things in it.

That was about the most interesting thing that happened. Will post something proper when I'm feelin' it.

I've lost my words tonight, so I'm using others'

♫

'cause I see the light surrounding you, so don't be afraid of something new.
'cause I see the light surrounding you, so don't be afraid of what you're turning into.

♫

someday, we'll forget the hurt, the reason we cried and who caused us pain. We will finally realise that the secret of being free is not revenge, but letting things unfold in their own way and time.

After all, what matters is not the first, but the last chapter of our life, which shows how well we ran the race.

♥

I hate the word 'fat' I think it's a disgusting word that should be disused. So why is it the only word I can find to describe myself?

I feel good about myself when I hardly eat. I can see it in the mirror.
I can also see the difference when I do eat.

Food doesn't disgust me, nor eating. I love to eat. But I want others to love me, and being the best person I can be every day hasn't gotten anybody's attention over the last (nearly) 16 years. They will notice me. Eventually.

I don't thin I will cut any time soon. But I don't know if I won't harm myself.

Burns.

I hope I don't do it.

on one hand I wish I wasn't so shy/quiet.

on the other hand I wish others were more considerate. Then I wouldn't have to be so quiet.

I really wanted to cut last night. I didn't though because I knew you'd be disappointed in me.

I want to cut now.

You know how you said it was ok to be a little bit selfish? My way of being selfish is cutting.

I can't allow myself to think it's ok.

I just want to bleed.

You know that feeling where everything inside of you is dead?

That feeling is something I've come to like. Maybe even love.

I don't know why anybody would love it, but I do.

And I wish I didn't, but I miss it.

I decided I won't go on the rafting trip. We got a bill from the school today and the amount owing was $609. I'll tell Mum to put the $500 towards that instead.

It's strange-
I think being depressed- Even if I wasn't "diagnosed"- opened up my eyes.
I can see so much that's right with the world now- along with what's wrong with it, and there is a lot wrong with it.

I understand other people more, I can see their complexity. Every single person is an individual.
Some people have common beliefs or values and so are grouped together but within that group every person is an individual. I think it's fascinating how I won't find another person the same as myself in the world. I just wish everybody else could see the individuals.



I don't think I'll ever understand why some things happen to people but that's not up to me to decide. I don't know if it's up to anyone to decide.

So in outdoor ed for next year they are doing a 10 day white water rafting trip. I don't know if I want to go. I know money is tight here and so I didn't ask Mum if I could go. She filled out the permisson slip and gave me the deposit money but I still don't know if I should go. I want to go to Canada/USA the year after next and I kind of want to put that money towards it or atleast something I know I want.

The trip looks so fun and I don't know why I don't want to go. They will be going jungle surfing, white water rafting, mountain biking and snorkelling. I know I will be closer with every one if I went. But I would have to wear bathers, singlets etc. I don't think even without the scars I would be comfortable wearing bathers.

Maybe I'll see if I could put the money towards something else. I'm sure we could do with $500- and that is just the deposit.

A girl I've never had a conversation with inspires me. She has the most amazing tumblr. My heart goes out to her.

http://jasintabailey.tumblr.com If you want.

I wish I could go out and get m lip pierced and/or a tattoo now.

I hate waiting around. It's going to be a long time.

NO- I haven't cut for a long time.
YES- I still want to.
NO- I don't plan on doing it.
YES- I still feel sad.
NO- It's not as bad as before.
YES- Your comments still make my day.
NO- I'm not scared any more.
YES- I have people that care.
NO- It doesn't make me feel better.
YES- I've lied to every single person in my life.
NO- I don't enjoy it.
YES- I believe you think I'm strong.
NO- I don't think I am.
YES- I feel selfish every time I post something.
NO- I won't stop.
YES- I'm getting better.
NO- I don't know if it will last.

I miss cutting but I don't want to go back. It's easier now, but I don't know if that part of my mind will ever be mute. It will always be there, trying to drag me back.

I wonder if it will ever succeed.

I like having too much homework.
It gives me an excuse to not go out.

I feel like I'm on a platform, just above the surface. It could break any time and I would be drowning again. It's that easy.

Another day wasted sitting in my bedroom. I feel like my friends don't bother with me outside of school, I know they think they care about me but they just don't seem to make the effort.

I can't wait to finish school and leave. I guess then I'll see who my real friends are.

I think I started cutting to find my limits. I know I haven't found them yet, I don't know if I ever will.

It's too easy to blame other people for everything. I have to take responsibility.

Thanks for letting me get it all out.

Even if I feel so selfish every time I post something, it's out there and I know somebody's reading it.

I started another blog. It'll have mostly images.

I'm so sick of hearing about god and how great he is. I'm sick of hearing about the things Jesus did for humanity. I'm sick of hearing about weather I'm going to heaven or hell.

I don't think that's for anybody to judge unless they've been here.

I wish Jesus never 'sacrificed himself for humanity' or whatever it was he did.
He didn't save us, he caused the worst conflicts known to humanity. He's caused wars. And people still worship him.

I just don't get it.

new pass-time. Light graffiti.

Something to keep me entertained while everybody else is sleeping.

I think I ought to tell you why I gave up on 11:11.

For weeks I'd been wishing every ounce of my happiness away, to you. I read your blog and see you suffering, I want to reach out but I just don't know how- I'm not good at consoling people, I'm not really good at talking to people at all -when it's not a joke.

I hope you find somebody to help you, like you've helped me.

Nothing new on my mind tonight, mostly the same as last night.

Too tired to feel anything else.

I hate knowing that there are people who care.
Everything would be so much easier if they didn't.

And the good news is I haven't even thought about cutting over the last few days!

Too busy doing school work I guess.

It breaks my heart.
Seeing, reading, hearing about what depression does to people.
Knowing how it hurts to suffer alone.
Knowing how to put on that fake smile.
It breaks my heart.

I feel so incredibly terrible. I stumbled across one of my friends' yahoo answers profile.

I knew she had bad depression. She's been to hospital a lot and she's on a lot of medication.
I never wanted to press too deeply about why she'd go to hospital or anything.

Some of her questions from about 4 weeks ago were "What would happen if I took 18 panadol tablets?" theres one that says "What should I do?! -I just took 18 panadol tablets. I'm kinda scared. Should I tell my mum or throw them up?"

There's one from 3 months ago. "I need to know if I've overdosed.. ? -I just took 6 panadol and 50mg of seroquel.. will I overdose?"


I don't want anybody to ever feel the way I feel reading these. I know all that - it's not your fault - crap, but I honestly believe I could have at least been there for her.I'm glad I'll have that chance in the future.



I don't know if I should confront her about it. If I did I think I would have to tell her about myself, which I don't think I'm ready to do -I'm just comming to grips with it myself- But I don't know what would be best for her. I don't want her to feel like this when she finds out about me. IF she finds out.

there's a song that says

I'm not a coward, I've just never been tested, I'd like to think that if I was I would pass.

I think that sentence sums me up pretty well. In the past I've wished horible things on myself just to see if I could overcome them. So far- nothing's happened and I'm already failing.
I still think about how I would handle myself in certain situations. I like to think that in the long term I end up a better, stronger even happier person than before. I doubt that would happen.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=mBU3lvpuLXk&feature=related

I haven't been writing in my journal the last few nights. Just haven't been feeling it. Maybe I'll write tonight.

People say that everybody has a talent, but if I do I haven't found it yet. I'd like to find it. Maybe then I'd be able to build on it and decide on a future for myself. I might actually be really good at something.

Oh I wish it was one of those obvious talents like dancing or singing or even maths. Just to be really good at anything would be nice. Are there people who don't have talents? or do they just give up looking for them?

Maybe I'm just destined to be mediocre.

I know it's bad, but I felt better with myself when I hadn't eaten.

I didn't even make it into the school gates before I was already thinking 'oh god, let this go quickly'

It was an ok day. Not great but ok.

Atleast my English teacher has started favouring me.

I know I can lift my grades if I try this term. I'm going to try.


I didn't eat much today. I felt like I was going to be sick the whole day so I didn't. Honestly I'm not sure if I was just feeling sick because I hadn't eaten.

I really do doubt there's a God.

Even if there is one, I wish people would stop trying to make me believe. If he wanted me to believe, he would have programmed me to. or is that out of his control? Of course it's not, he is God after all.


I kind of hope the world does end in 2012.

I wouldn't mind finding out if there is an afterlife. If there is heaven and hell, or if it's all just 'limbo'. Personally, I'd like to believe that there isn't anything. That all the stories are just that. Stories.
Maybe my sould could get some rest if there was nothing.

Happiness is..

• a state of well-being characterized by emotions ranging from contentment to intense joy
• Happiness? is the third album by the English musician Roger.....
• Happiness is a state of mind or feeling characterized by contentment, love, satisfaction, pleasure or joy. A variety of biological, psychological, religious and philosophical approachees have striven to define happiness and identify its sources
• a japanese adult visual novel originally published....
• "happiness!!!" is the title of a song Japanese pop.....
• Happiness... is not a fish that you can catch is the title of canadian alternative.....
• Happiness is a 1998 film written and directed....
• Happiness (le bonheur) is a 1965 french drama film......
• "Happiness" is a folktronic song performed by brittish duo Goldfrapp....
• "Happiness" is the twentieth single of the japanese boy band....
• "Happiness is a single by Californian....
• Happiness was a brittish sitcom...
• Happiness is a 1924 silent comedy film....
• Happiness is the third full-length album from post-hardcore.....
• "Happiness" is a song written by Elliott smith..

I've given up on 11:11. I'd like to believe that my wishes would come true, but I guess it's like praying to a god you don't believe in- they'll never hear me. Maybe they do hear me but they just don't listen.

I do hope my wishes will come true.

I don't know if I'll get any sleep tonight. It's 9:30 now and I have a huge assignment due first thing in the morning.

Oh well.

went to the movies with some friends tonight.

Somehow we got on to the topic of self harming. They were talking about a girl who'd put pictures of cutting herself on her tumblr. They were criticizing her, I wanted to reason with them that it could be a cry for help. They wrote it off as attention seeking.

I think that was the smallest I've felt in a while.
I hope she'll be ok.

It's funny how it takes a little from anybody to stop you cutting, but it takes nothing from everybody to put the blade right back in my hand.

I love having this control over something.
It's ironic how cutting is the only thing I do for me these days.


I've heard how people replace cutting themselves with drawing on themselves. Maybe I'd try that if I could draw.


I always wanted a tattoo. I don't know what I'd get though. I was considering getting cartoon faces on the ends of my fingers. I think I want something more artistic.

I still want my lip pierced, shame that's the one piercing mum said she'd never let me get. I don't know why. Maybe I'll get it on my birthday. I wonder what she'd do.

I have an english- creative response to write.

I chose to do diary entries from a depressed girls point of view. Should be easy enough.

I like it.
I like that cutting gives me a freedom I've never had before.
It's something completely about me in my shoebox of a life.
Everything to do with it is about me.
When I'm sitting there holding the blade and it's completely up to me.
My choice.


Haven't cut yet.

And with one move I'm right back to the beginning.
haven't cut yet but I have three new sharp blades near by. It's just nice to have the choice.


I hate that when I cut I can just write off what anybody would say to stop me, that if I want to cut I will cut, even if it is just to prove to myself that I have some kind of twisted freedom.

hey you with the sad eyes
don't be discouraged
oh I realise
it's hard to take courage
in a world full of people
you can lose sight of it all
the darkness inside you
makes you feel so small

I love how songs can say the things you wish somebody would just stop and say to you.

I don't think there is one aspect of my personality I didn't take, or get the idea from somebody else. I just want to know me.

I've asked a bunch of people how they'd stereotype me before. They all said they couldn't or I was 'a normal teenager'

I wish they would have given me a real stereotype so I would know which characteristics to break in order to prove them wrong, so I could leave an impression.

So today I realised that -even though I never really wanted to- I probably couldn't become a model, apart from the weight that I'd have to lose =.= They could never have anybody with scars.

I hate how judgemental and superficial people are.

there's only 3 more days off school. Can't decide if it will be good or bad going back. I'll get to see all of my friends which is pretty good but then again I have to see everybody else and do the school work.

my mind is too busy. I can't get to what I'm feeling when I keep thinking of stupid things that don't need to be thought about. I just want to get to how I feel =.=

will post tomorrow.

I went for a walk today, the sun is out, the sky is blue, the weather is warm-ish.

Went back to the clearing, and I took my pocket knife.

I did exactly what I set out to do, I sat in the exact spot and I got out my pocket knife and I held it and today I proved to myself I don't need to cut. I could have cut if I wanted to, but I chose not to. It was my decision, there was nobody there to stop me but me.

It's a good day.

Things I would give to be a bird:

• my hands
• my feet
• my music
• my clothes
• my bed
• my home
• my computer
• my friends
• my family
• my grades
• my memory
• my past
• my future
• my present
• my life
• my everything

So, I was at a sleepover last night. It was ok.

when everybody went to get changed I stayed behind so I could get changed later; didn't want them to see any scars.

I didn't think about cutting very much and when I did it was easy to ignore and get involved in conversation again.

I found my pocket knife in my sleeping bag though.

not going to be able to post tonight- sorry.

will be thinking about it though.

Wow. Shelley stayed over the night before last. Just now she said she's been happier since visiting me. she said "you spread your happiness to me."

I guess I'm just that good at acting.

this'll probably sound a bit weird but I'll post it anyway because I don't know what else to post


So ever since like year 6 when someone told a dumbass ghost story that said a lady slept with her arm off the edge of the bed and she thought her dog was licking her hand so she ignored it but when she woke up she found out someone had killed her dog earlier and it was that person licking her hand (or something along those lines) Ever since I heard that story I couldn't sleep with my hand/arm/leg anything hanging off the bed. Last night I was looking for the adrenaline rush that I was missing from cutting so I tried to sleep like that. I guess it was a good distraction.

This blade is just about too blunt to cut anymore. I guess it will be easier to ignore the feelings when I have to find something to cut with.

I have so much to say but I don't have the words. I can't find them.

I cut today. I don't actually regret cutting, I regret having to tell you. I know you understand but I hate bearing bad news.

I wasn't sad or angry or anything. I just went for a walk and I took my blade. I think I was hoping I would throw it away but that didn't happen. I found a beautiful spot, a clearing. The weather was cold, wet and windy and I sat down and I wanted to throw it away but I didn't. I just cut.

It's a strange feeling when you're in the open for all to see but nobody is around to see you.

I contemplated suicide once. I even started writing a note. I couldn't think of anything to say. But I couldn't leave without saying anything so I stayed.

Only took a couple hours to get to sleep last night. I guess it's an improvement.

Don't know if I will sleep at all tonight- Shelley's comming over. At least I won't be stuck alone with my thoughts.

Can't sleep again =.=

I was feeling good, feeling like I could go to sleep with a smile on my face for once but I can't fucking sleep.

I know I haven't said anything to you guys, but every time I see that '0 comments' change to a '1 comments' I really do feel better.

Even if I have to keep checking them and re-reading them.

I hope nobody will get hurt.

I just want the cuts to heal over and go away, dissappear, never to come back.

So nobody tries to blame themselves. It's not them.

I went for a walk in the rain. It was so nice. cleansing.

I've always wanted to just walk in the rain and not care if I got wet but I never really had the chance, or felt like leaving the warm house.

I could feel it washing me away, lifting me up.

I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. I hate what I've become. I did this to myself.

Can't sleep. I've taken the spare hours and thought about everything. I want to stop so bad but I know there's a part of me that will keep trying. the same part of me that won't throw out the blades.

Shit. I know I'm in trouble. I'm in the dark. I need a light or a hand to guide me. I fucked up.

I just wish I could go to sleep.

I can't remember the last time I truly cried. It's strange. I've always been a cryer- over anything really. Now I can't make myself cry over the most important things.

strange.

I cut today. sorry.

when I was doing it I was thinking- oh it's ok, it's just one last time.

I know that won't be the last time.

I never believed people when they said it was addictive. I wish I did.

I wish I never picked the blade up.


I painted my nails black the other day; dad noticed and mentioned it at dinner, they called me emo- jokingly. I laughed along with them.

It will be harder than I initially thought. But that's ok.

Wow. Thanks. ♥

I can come back from this. I know I can.

I wasn't expecting anything, but I'm glad I got something.

Thank you.

Ryan went to court the other day. He got a $1000 fine. I have no idea why.

They NEVER tell me anything. I'm not a part of this family. I can't wait to leave.

They didn't tell me when Uncle Steven almost DIED of bowel cancer either. I found out by eaves dropping on Mum's phone conversations. They still haven't told me why we don't talk to Uncle Johno either. Or why they seem to hate kathy; or why Pop's in hospital.

I don't mind. Ignorance is bliss, no?

I feel as if I curled into a ball, I would be an empty shell.

I don't feel anything inside.

when will the hole be filled?

why do I feel like this?

What is missing?