there's a song that says

I'm not a coward, I've just never been tested, I'd like to think that if I was I would pass.

I think that sentence sums me up pretty well. In the past I've wished horible things on myself just to see if I could overcome them. So far- nothing's happened and I'm already failing.
I still think about how I would handle myself in certain situations. I like to think that in the long term I end up a better, stronger even happier person than before. I doubt that would happen.