I don't think I've EVER felt as nervous as when Shelley was using my computer today.




Lately I haven't felt much at all. I just feel numb. All the time. It was easier when I was sad or angry or anything, even if it was bad. It was just easier to know what I felt and what I could do about it, you know. Now it's just like waiting for something to make everything bad again, it's so hard to focus on being happy when I'm trying so hard not to be sad. I'm just, numb.

The only thing that's been keeping my head up these last few days is the warm weather. I'm SO glad that winter's over.

How can it be so easy to hide so much pain. Why do people believe me when I say I'm just tired? Why don't they want to see me? Why don't they know all I need is a little help

I need to stop thinking the things I think, but I don't know how.

I can't believe in the things I want to think. I'm stuck.

I feel ok today. Actually ok. I'm ok that nobody will love me. I'm ok that I hate my body. I'm ok that I hate myself. The only thing keeping me here is the prospect of growing up. Even if it is alone. I'll be able to do things I've never done before. I'll know things I never knew and I'll see things I never would have seen otherwise.

I'm so ugly and fat. I feel like I'll never get anywhere looking like this. Nobody will ever care. How could they care if they don't know me?

I wish I could follow my own advice. Everything would be easier if I did. I just need somebody to see me struggling and to help me stand myself up again. Why can't people see past the fronts we put up? they're so transparent.