I'm so sick of having to convince myself that cutting is not going to make anything better when it's all I want. I know it only makes things seem ok for a few seconds but it seems so worth it and I don't want to keep feeling like this. I don't want to feel so lost.

Christmas was a million times better than I expected. i really hope yours is/was good too.

Merry Christmas :3

Hoping it's a good one for both our sakes.

I crave to be in control. I can control how I feel by making myself feel pain. I'm stuck home alone most days and there's no way for me to get out and about. Most of my friends work. I'd made plans with them to go places and they just let me down. They shut me out without reason and it hurt. It would just be so much easier if it was the hurt I chose.

hurting would feel so much better than this does. pain lets you know you're alive but right now I just feel dead inside. I want to cut but I can't. I know I can't. I haven't been able to for a while. I don't know why I just can never bring myself to cut no matter how bad I want it. I don't really care how good for me that is I just want to feel better. I want to feel in control.

I've been awake for pretty much 34 hours. I've fallen asleep for a couple of minutes at a time today but I can't sleep. I don't feel tired at all and I just want to rest. I want to give my mind a break. I wish anybody could be here to give me a hug. I'd collapse into anybody's arms right now, given the chance. I don't know why I haven't been able to sleep but I have things to do tomorrow and I don't want to cancel because I couldn't sleep. I don't think I'd usually post something like this but nobody is online.

I feel trapped. Sleep is an escape, from thinking and from being me and I can't get to it and it feels like I won't be able to for a while.

I keep forgetting to post, or not knowing what to say. I know I said I'd keep posting but this blog to me is a place for me to let out my darkest feelings and I've been good so I just don't know what to post.

One of my friends asked me to the school ball for next year. I was completely shocked. I was so convinced nobody would ask me that I just made plans with two of my best friends seperate from everybody else. Like we aren't hiring a limo or anything, just an old muscle car that my dad owns. I felt really terrible having to say no to him. Like imagine the feeling of going out on a limb like that and being rejected. ugh. I hope he meant just as a friend too, I'm sure he did, but if he didn't IDK what I'd do. ugh I feel bad.

I still have no idea what the other boy (Alec) who was talking to me is thinking about me. I wish I could read minds :3

It's been school holidays. I've been home alone a lot of the time and I live where I can't really walk anywhere so I'm ok with being alone but it gets really boring. I'm still keeping an eye on my weight and I've been considering skipping meals but I haven't acted on it and I feel like my self esteem is growing. I don't know. Maybe it's just the christmas season.

My parents were talking about lawyers before. Mum said to Dad -You should think about borrowing money to pay the tax bill before a lawyers bill.

I knew they were poor but I didn't know they were that bad. I wish I could help out. I mean, for christmas I'm not asking for much because I know we can't afford it.

My sister's moving back in too. I think everything's just stressful for them. Ever since I was younger I noticed they don't show any form of intimacy. I always thought it was normal but now, more and more, as I think about relationships for myself I notice how there's seems purely held together by us kids. I wonder if they'll stay together later on. I wonder if it will be out of love or out of fear of being alone.

okay I think that's everything off my mind. I don't know if you're still reading this but I hope you're having a good christmas season so far.

This week's gone really quikly. Sorry I haven't posted. It has been better since I last posted. Um, it's been really boring here, I don't have a lot to post about. I've been home alone most days and up late- alone most nights. I don't know why but I'm ok with being alone. Maybe I just got used to it? I kind of depend on it now. Being around everyone is so much harder.

It's 3AM and I have a killer headache so I'm gonna sleep it off. how's everything been with you?

I don't need to cut. It's been a rough couple of nights for me but I haven't cut and it took a lot but I didn't do it because then I would be back to square one. I mean I haven't desperately wanted to cut like last night for a long time. Even when I was cutting, it wasn't like that. I hope tonight is better.

I think I came pretty close to cutting yesterday. I'm not really sure why I didn't do it. and I'm not really sure why I wanted to. I think I was just lonely.