So I went canoeing today in outdoor ed, and I was wearing just my long sleeve shirt and my friend said I looked really skinny. She asked if I lost weight, I said no. She said she'd gained 20Kgs since last year. I know she was lying because she does modelling, she's vegan and lactose intolerant- She hardly eats anything except vegetables, and she definitely has not put on that much weight. I wish she didn't say it looked like I lost weight because now I just want more people to notice, I want to lose more so they'll say wow you look good. On the other hand I can't decide if she was just lying or not and trying to make me feel better when clearly I was the most uncomfortable person wearing a freaking skin tight shirt.

Well,
~about 3 people at school remembered my birthday (not including facebook) Some of my best friends didn't even get me cards.
~I got a grand total of 5 cards (including Mum and Dad and the neighbour)
~So far, I've got a travel book as a present from my parents, nothing from my brothers and sister -and even though I know the presents ARE comming and they'll most likely be really good, I just want something now, I want to go to school tomorrow and people will say 'what did you get for your birthday?' and I'll have an answer that they want to hear, instead of 'a book.' and I know it sounds shallow but everybody ought to have bragging rights for their birthday and I get nothing?
~ I didn't even get a present from my Pop who Mum saw just today so I don't know why nothing happened there
~ I didn't get anything from any family friends or even cards from relatives.

and I know all of this sounds really shallow but when it's what you've come to expect over every single year of your life, it seems a bit fucked up to feel so forgotten on your own birthday.

One of my good friends made a video with random pictures of us and it made me cry, that's how pathetic I'm feeling.

Happy birthday! I do hope you have a better day than I did!

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. I hope nothing ruins it.

I felt like I was going to panic again last night. The only thing I could think of to keep me calm was the song 'daydream believer' I don't know why. I just had to concentrate on it. I put it on repeat on my ipod and I was fine. I almost lost control a couple of times too. I hope this doesn't keep happening.

I told Shelley about my "anxiety attack" (If that's even what it was, I still don't know)

Anyway, she started asking me all these questions and I couldn't tell her the truth.

is anything wrong?

are you stressing about anything?

is anything upsetting you?

I said no. There is. So much. But I can't tell her yet, I don't know if I ever will. I just don't want her to worry so much.

I want people to stop lying to me.

I've never ever had a problem with claustrophobia before. I don't know what happened. I tried to relax and go to sleep and as I was lying there everything was closing in on me. I couldn't breathe, I couldn't move. I just curled up and I stared at the wall because every time I closed my eyes I felt things trying to crush me. I don't want to go back to sleep any more.

1. "Your pretty!!!!! So so pretty, you have beautiful blue eyes, gorgeous blonde hair and the most natural beauty ever!
2. You don't blend in with the crowd, you are the most uniques person I know, one of a kind
3. You stand out to me so be brave and save up the courage to go in your own direction
4. trends are gay, standing out is way better!
5. Don't be a sheep and follow, you can go wherever you want and no one can hold you back!!"

Shelley, I wish I could believe you when you say things like this. The only things I've ever really liked about myself were my eyes and my hair. I wish I could be brave but I'm weak. I'm too concerned with the people around me. What they think, what they say, what they do. I'm weak.

I feel like throwing up but I can't. I hate this feeling of having stuffed myself with food.

I figured I'd be able to tell you now that you seem a bit distanced. You haven't been commenting a lot and that's ok. I get that you're busy or whatever. I just couldn't say anything before.
Truth is I was cutting a while ago and I said that I wasn't. It's been at least a few weeks since I have cut, but I couldn't tell you because I knew it hurt you and I thought you were already hurting enough. Honestly, I'm ok now. I don't even really think about it any more. I just stopped. I stopped at first when I wasn't really eating but then something snapped inside of me and said hey, who are you to say you're not worthy. The moment somebody else breaks you, you can act like this. But not now, you're fine. And I decided I'd cut if I wanted to and I'd eat if I wanted to. I just haven't really wanted to cut. I have no doubts though, that I will sometime in the future. I don't know if it will be tomorrow, or next week, or in a month. I just think it will happen and I don't know if there's anything you could do to stop me.

I almost missed posting tonight. It's not been on my mind a lot lately. I've been feeling angsty and sad and angry and everything I was feeling before but I've not been thinking about posting. I hate not posting though. It's one thing I started for me, and I can't be bad at it because it's just being me. I hate not being able to think of what to write and what to talk about.

And I hate being me just as much as ever. I hate my personality, I hate my looks, I hate my life. Nobody cares enough to see that or do anything about it.

I feel fine. And I hate it.

It's like being in a limbo, and I know something's either going to go really wrong or really right, and I can only imagine it going wrong. Now I'm just waiting for that to happen, I'm waiting for something to set me off and break my promises to myself. I'm not used to feeling fine anymore and I can't handle it. I don't want to be waiting for something or someone to come along and do something or say something mean that's going to make me sad again. And I don't know how to deal with the possibility that that might not happen.

Can't sleep. It's nearly 12 and I can't sleep. I need to sleep more.

I can't sleep though, I don't want to. There's still so much to do, so much to say. There's still an opportunity in the day to be happy. There's still time to learn to love myself or something productive. But there's not. There's nobody here to help me, to show me the way or to point me in the right direction.

I'm still trapped in this corner of hate and self-loathing because I can't bring myself to do anything about it.

The idea of being pleased with myself is something that scares me. It's a life-long dream, to reach perfection in my own eyes, and to start on achieving that now would mean I wouldn't know what to do for the rest of my days alone. And ultimatlely, failure is no loss, right now I have nothing to lose. Nothing except the idea of a purpose that will take a lifetime.

I don't want to find myself sitting around in 30 years not thinking about myself and ways to improve and ways to be a better person.

Perfection, is what scares me.

I used to have to tell myself "If I don't eat, I won't cut."

But now I've lost all will power to do anything. Bad or good.

I just want to be left to die.

Feeling lonely.
Desperate.
Fat.
Sad.
Ugly.
Unloved.
Abandoned.
Hated.
Annoying.
Every bad thing you could think of, I'm feeling it and I hate being this way. I want to cut. I don't deserve to have someone stop me. I don't deserve to be here any more.

There's no point in asking 'why?' any more. I have to keep moving on. Now I have to start asking 'what can I do about it?' instead.

I am going to go to sleep.
I am not going to do anything stupid.
I am going to believe in myself.
I am going to be ok.

-I hope.

I need somebody here. I don't know what I'll do tonight if I don't start feeling happier. I don't know what I'll do tomorrow or next week or next year if I don't start feeling happier.
If only it was as easy as saving yourself.

Up late again. Getting lonely. Can't sleep yet.

My head is hurting but there's no physical pain. Only these thoughts. The ones that hurt me, the ones that make me the way I am.

I feel good right now. I've had my mind on a lot of stuff tonight- silly stuff- tumblr and dailybooth and facebook and everything else. I almost forgot about posting.

In a way that's good. I've become so dependent on posting, and reading your comments. I'm a little more free and a little more trapped. With my attention elsewhere it's hard to think out what I'm feeling in words.

I got tumblr and dailybooth today. I know, just another site. I'm hoping that I'll be able to bring myself out a little more. I'll be able to be me. you have to start somewhere, even if that does mean on the internet =.=

I already knew that my friend had had sex with "a friend" because he was pressuring her. I just found out she had sex with her new boyfriend that she's been dating for less than two weeks. I feel sorry for her. She's lost so much in school, last year she was just as good at maths (If not, better) than me, and now she's failing and I'm on an A. She's failing most of her classes and she has the worst attitude problem.

I just want the old you back.

Everybody around me is changing. Everything is about sex and drugs and drinking. One of my close friends smokes and I only found out through other friends. I guess other people have their secrets. I just wish I could do something about them.

feeling ok tonight. Not bad, not great.

I have a lot of homework to catch up on.

But it's friday tomorrow, the best day of the week. Hopefully it'll be a good one.

The weekend will be boring. Nothing planned. Alone again.

The words in my blog and my journal haunt me. these feelings I feel and these thoughts I think scare me. When did I become like this?

Shelley has a boyfriend now.

She told me she was happy. I'm happy too. I thought I would be jealous, but really I'm in the best mood.

I'm glad she's happy.

I talk to myself sometimes. I create scenarios in my head where I can tell people these things about me and they almost always end up bad.


My trust is broken.

From years of hearing other peoples secrets and telling them to others, I can't put myself at risk like that. School, and my friends are what's keeping me stable. I can't shake that now, and I don't know if I ever could. But sometimes I just want to scream at them, to show them what I've been going through, because I need them.

But I don't want to be a loner emo kid that everybody feels sorry for. I don't want it to get worse.

I ran until my chest burnt and my throat hurt and my eyes watered and I couldn't go any further, but I want to go further, I want to run forever and just not stop until my past is behind me and I'm in a whole new world.

Myspace, facebook, twitter- they're all just fronts. None of them really show me. I'm too scared. Scared of what others will think of me. Scared of losing friends- god knows I need the ones I have now.

I just really want to cut now. I'm trying not to. But anything, right now, could push me. And it's only going to take a tiny push.

But I have to put down the blade. I have to walk away. I can't look back.

I just don't feel anything.

I feel so small.
I just want somebody to notice me.
I want somebody to introduce themselves.
I just want somebody to say Hi.
I want somebody to see past my laugh.
I just somebody to see me.

I wish I could take the advice that I dish out. But I can't. It's not the same when it's your own advice. It's like you can just disregard it completely, yet it's good enough for somebody else to live by?

I've been looking at ball dresses for my year 12 ball. I'm scared I won't get a date. I pretty much know I won't get a date. I've assumed I wouldn't get a date since year 8. It seems so close now. I thought I would have atleast made friends with some more guys.

It's not even like I'm nervous around guys. I'm not. They just don't talk to me so I don't talk to them. Most of them come off as jerks anyway. I don't really want to be friends with someone who abuses people for being different, when the only reason they do it is to fit in.

I've had the worst day today.

It started out well, but now I feel so terrible and all I want to do is just go to sleep and never wake up.

I don't want to do this any more. I can't. I'm not worth it.

I feel really fat and ugly right now. When I look down and I know I'm not fat that makes me feel worse. If I'm not fat why do I feel this way? I hate myself.

Sorry- about yesterday.

I probably won't get the chance to post later.

Today's been a pretty good day, not very much bothering me. Should be a good night.

I'm not coping.

If I was coping I would be eating 3 meals a day. Not a half a meal.

I can't do it.

It's funny how the happiness leaves so quickly and quietly. I don't notice it until it's gone. And then I find myself here again, hating it for leaving me.

I forget what it's like to be care free and not have a worry in the world. I forget when I last had nothing on my mind, nothing pressing me for time, nothing pressing me for answers.

I wish I could be stronger. I wish I didn't have to think about cutting all day and avoid it all night.

I don't know how much more I can take.

And they'll say "Why did you do it?"

"Why did I do it?" I'll reply "I did it because nobody told me a fucking thing. That's why."

And they'll know it's the truth.

Now I've done even more wrong.

Apparently I'm not allowed to sleep after school because I could be doing other things. Even if I just happen to do those things anyway, just a couple hours late.

I don't see how it's MY fault that I can't sleep at night.

There's so much stuff going on in my own family that nobody has told me about.

I guess I really am that invisible.

I have no control any more.

I don't just want somebody to tell me I'm beautiful, or that they love me, or that I can tell them anything, or that they won't hurt me.

I want somebody to make me believe those things.

bleeding was such a release.

I miss it.

I wonder how far I can be pushed.

I haven't been pushed much at all to begin cutting.

I wonder how much it takes to send me over the edge.

I can't think of anything to say tonight.

I've been listening to a guy call Scott D. Davis. He does piano solos of rock songs and they are pretty amazing.

I'm sad because I never get to do anything with my friends. Every time I try to organize something- they're always working or busy doing something else.

Great. Another weekend wasted at home alone.

www.futureme.org

I've sent so many emails to myself. It's hard to stop, I hope I get them and laugh at some of the things I said because I'm so much happier.

I felt like crying at school. For no reason at all. I'm glad I didn't though. I felt exhausted even though I've had so much sleep lately. Oh well, it's the weekend now and I can sleep as much as I like.

I can't help but get annoyed at school; everywhere you go there are people yelling and screaming. I hate that. I'd much rather be sitting inside where it's quiet(er)

I honestly feel good. For the first time since I can remember I looked in the mirror and wasn't disgusted.

I don't know what brought this on, but it feels good.

Right now, I feel good.
I don't want these scars here.
I don't want these words here.
I don't want them to bring me back down.

It's ok that they have no time for me.

It's ok.

It will all be ok. It has to be ok.

I was going to tell you today. Atleast I told myself I would. I saw you on msn and I talked to you but you were too busy and had to go. I wonder, if I had made you listen. If I had made you see, would you still be so busy?

And tonight I'll fall asleep alone. Just like every night before, and every night to come.

If happiness = Freedom, but absolute freedom = Chaos, could we ever be happy?

I over-analyse. I do it so much, I can't even post something without knowing how I feel about it and why I feel or even do it.

I don't know why I do it I just do.

I hate it, it stops me from getting my words out, if I can't find the right ones, I won't use any.

I don't know how to stop it.

It's a lovely day.

I would have taken my jumper off..

I feel like I haven't spoken to Shelley for a long time.

I've talked to her, but she hasn't been telling me anything. Did I do something wrong? Doesn't she know she can always talk to me?

Maybe there just isn't anything wrong right now. I guess that would be a good thing.

I can't remember the last time somebody said they loved me.

I honestly can not remember if anybody has ever said it, and meant it as more than just a friend. I don't know what the words sound like comming from my Mum or my Dad's lips, I don't know what they sound like from my brothers or my sister. I don't know what they would sound like comming from somebody who wants to spend the rest of their life with me.

I do know what it sounds like comming from a friend, but I'm afraid that's all it will ever be. Friendship.

I never told you- that english assignment I did- from the depressed girl's point of view. I got the top mark.

I feel like somebody could take each of my shoulders, pull them each way, and I would split down the middle.

I feel so pathetically weak.

I wanted to cut at school today,, I didn't because I was at school. But when I was thinking about it, I decided I wouldn't because of how much it hurt you, and because of how much you hurt you.

I won't be weak and let you down again. I won't let me down again.

My feet are sore from walking so far, and yet here I find myself in the same place again.

I'm sick of it here. I want to go.

You're right. I didn't set out to teach anybody anything. But that doesn't mean that nobody can learn from my mistakes.

Don't cut because of me, I already know it hurts people. That's why I want to stop. How do you think you would feel if you knew I was cutting because of you?

This is my journey,, not yours. Just because I make a mistake doesn't mean you will.

Learn from me, don't follow me.