Yea, I disappeared for a long while, sorry.
I'm fine. I've been fine. I hope you're fine too.
I probably won't post much more on here.
So I don't really know why I stopped posting. It just didn't really seem to suite me or where I'm at or anything.
I'm getting through year 12. I only have one term of actual school left I think so yeah exciting stuff, I've been thinking more about what I want to do but I'm still undecided. A lot of my friends have been asking me where I want to go to uni and all this stuff because it seems so absurd to them not to go to uni and I'm here like I don't even know if I'm going ahha
I haven't really done much else
But I decided that the reason I felt like I had no friends is because everybody thinks I'm friends with someone else, my best friend isn't in my group at school but the kids in my group think I hang out with her a lot when I don't, and my best friend thinks I hang out with my other friends and then I just end up getting left out but I'm okay with that now because it's pretty much my fault.
Honestly, I don't think I want to spend much time with them all anyway. I find the time when I can come home -and not have to listen to someone talk about someone else- is the best part of my day.
I'm pretty sure I can only appreciate my time alone now because I felt so alone for a long time. It grew to be a part of me, I need my space now.
Now that I'm pretty normal again and IDK what even happened last year but now that I can look back on it, I really don't regret very much. I've learnt a lot, mostly about myself, and it's something that not very many people do.
I think it's kind of sadistic that I still cut sometimes (rarely). I don't cut because I like the pain or I'm upset, or even addicted. I just like the blood.
Also, I've learned a lot about eating disorders and I know now how romanticised they were to me. I wanted to have the strength to stop eating and I didn't realise that someone with anorexia doesn't want that, food repulses them- it's something they have no control over. I just wanted to lose weight an 'easy' way.
Err, yeah this is pretty much all I can think to post right now.
I'm not really expecting you to read this after all this time but if you do, just know that you got me through some really shitty nights and I probably owe you a lot more than either of us realise.
