I'm sorry I haven't been posting much, I've been really busy.

I had an end of year dinner dance last night, It was crap, I knew I shouldn't have gone. The only reason I went was because Shelley practically begged me so I was like oh ok, we can go and hang out. I spent a total of like 5 minutes talking to her and most of that time consisted of 'so, how are you?' a heap of different times through the night. I knew she'd spend all her time with her boyfriend I just guess I didn't think that I would feel so left behind. I thought if she wanted me there so badly she would have tried to talk to me. Instead I spent the night with people that I know but hardly talk to while awkwardly watching everyone else have fun. I knew I shouldn't have gone.

I've been feeling all over the place lately. I can't control how I feel and it's taking a toll on me.

I haven't talked to you enough lately, I've been pretty ok. I mean I cut the other night but it wasn't bad, you know? I just had to let it out in that way that talking doesn't.

I've been kind of distancing myself from everybody. I don't want them to notice anything.

but shelley's been like planning this party with some other girl and I really don't like her and, I don't know. this is what I wanted, I wanted to be left alone. I do want to be left alone. It will be better for everybody, nobody will find out and nobody will think that it was their fault for not noticing. it's not their fault, it's me. It's just always so lonely.

I cut. Last night.

I felt like I was letting myself down and I was letting everybody down and I just haven't felt anything in so long I just wanted to feel something.

The vet says my dog's going to be ok.

I'm glad, that we talked tonight. I actually feel lighter, like a weight has been lifted off me. hah, even if I didn't say anything important.

Thanks.

I can't talk around people.

Like,, I have things to say but it always seems like they have more to say and nobody else lets them say it. So I don't talk a lot. I like listening to what other people have to say, it's easier than trying to describe my thoughts which can be so complex and when I come up with an idea or say something and people don't get it, they'll joke about it or something. They don't get how much thought I put into these things.

Sometimes I really feel like there's going to be nobody, ever. That people will come and go but they won't love me or want to stay.

I want to stop feeling everything. I want to be able to just switch it all off. But instead I end up curled up on my bed hurting until I fall asleep. I really wish it would all just end.

my dog got attacked by another dog the other day, she has a 'fair chance' of dying.

it might sound dumb but she's actually one of my best friends. Not one of my real friends has noticed how sad I've been, not one has asked. I guess I really am that invisible to them. I mean I understand if I'm upset but I try to hide it- blaming it on being tired or whatever- but I just want somebody to realize I'm not always happy. Things happen to me too.

I know what I want. I want to be thin.

But I'm getting so confused and I'm stuck because I know what you want and what other people would want for me. And I know you've been where you think I'm going before and you don't want that for me. nobody really wants it for anybody. And I hate that I have to think about this so much, that I have to think about keeping everybody else happy over me, when did what I want stop mattering? I wish I could be happy with how I am, but I'm not and I don't know how else to change it other than changing me.

I just have to gain some control in my life.

I hate this. It's a constant battle in my mind for trying to get better and believe in myself and wanting to be better.

I feel ugly. And pathetic.

I had 752 calories today. I don't care how low that is it's just not low enough.

and I know I said I was eating ok, and I was. but everybody expects so much of me, and I don't think I can give them what they want and I shouldn't have what I want until I can be what they need me to be. I need to learn to be strong and I'm doing that.

Plus I'm getting a self esteem boost.

This can be a good thing right?

My first exam is today.

I guess I've been ok.

I haven't been thinking about cutting very much, and I've been eating.

I just keep thinking about everything, how ugly I am or how much I am eating and I wish I could stop thinking these things but I can't and I don't think what anybody could say would stop it. It's about the only thing I believe any more and I don't know how much longer it will be before it starts affecting me again.

Ah, I'm sorry I haven't been posting. I have exams in a few days and I'm trying to be ready.