Okay

Yea, I disappeared for a long while, sorry.

I'm fine. I've been fine. I hope you're fine too.

I probably won't post much more on here.

So I don't really know why I stopped posting. It just didn't really seem to suite me or where I'm at or anything.

I'm getting through year 12. I only have one term of actual school left I think so yeah exciting stuff, I've been thinking more about what I want to do but I'm still undecided. A lot of my friends have been asking me where I want to go to uni and all this stuff because it seems so absurd to them not to go to uni and I'm here like I don't even know if I'm going ahha

I haven't really done much else

But I decided that the reason I felt like I had no friends is because everybody thinks I'm friends with someone else, my best friend isn't in my group at school but the kids in my group think I hang out with her a lot when I don't, and my best friend thinks I hang out with my other friends and then I just end up getting left out but I'm okay with that now because it's pretty much my fault.

Honestly, I don't think I want to spend much time with them all anyway. I find the time when I can come home -and not have to listen to someone talk about someone else- is the best part of my day.

I'm pretty sure I can only appreciate my time alone now because I felt so alone for a long time. It grew to be a part of me, I need my space now.

Now that I'm pretty normal again and IDK what even happened last year but now that I can look back on it, I really don't regret very much. I've learnt a lot, mostly about myself, and it's something that not very many people do.

I think it's kind of sadistic that I still cut sometimes (rarely). I don't cut because I like the pain or I'm upset, or even addicted. I just like the blood.

Also, I've learned a lot about eating disorders and I know now how romanticised they were to me. I wanted to have the strength to stop eating and I didn't realise that someone with anorexia doesn't want that, food repulses them- it's something they have no control over. I just wanted to lose weight an 'easy' way.

Err, yeah this is pretty much all I can think to post right now.

I'm not really expecting you to read this after all this time but if you do, just know that you got me through some really shitty nights and I probably owe you a lot more than either of us realise.

Sorry to hear you're feeling depressed. Anything you wanna talk about?
But getting your comment put me in a good mood :)

I'm pretty good lately. I still feel like cutting a bit but I think that's just a reflex kind of thing now- I don't have reason to, I just feel like I should. But I've held off, if as far as I can take it is to the ball then that's okay, it's better than how far I've come before. My Ball's on Friday. Do you guys get balls or like prom or something? I guess it's all the same hey?

Yeah so anyway- I figure I just need a new way of coping with stress because last year's wasn't so succesful haha.

It's weird. For year 12 we get a common room which is just a big room that anyone can use at lunch and recess or whatever and most people sit in there but you'd think having it would make all of the groups kind of join up more- which it has to an extent. It's only my group that have completely split up- one half of us sit at one end and the rest of us at the other end and everybody else all sit in the middle, and it's funny because none of us even talk about it- it just seems so normal like nobody seems upset about it or anything. But like in classes and stuff we still talk to each other? haha, just thought it was odd.

I've been sleeping a bit better since the first weeks of school- I'm getting like 5 or 6 hours now which is good but before I was getting those dark circles under my eyes and at the time I was kind of covering them up but before hand and now when they aren't so obvious I quite like the idea of having them- because if someone can notice them and can see that I'm not sleeping or I don't look well or something that maybe everything isn't always okay with me. buuuut having said that I've been okay lately so I guess it's only when I'm in a rutt that I want that to happen.

IDK I've just been rambling! I don't think I really had much to say for this post except the first couple lines but I wanted to post something a little longer so I just got distracted hah. ~At least it's not sad rambling (yet) haha.

Gave the blog a bit of a makeover. ha.

alright time to fill you in :)

on facebook a random kid added me and he used to date one of my friends from school- he's like 19 and he started talking to me and so yeah now we're friends or w/e but he's pretty much looking for more than just friends but I told him I didn't want anything more- which I don't.- and yeah it's just nice having someone show some interest in me at all -let alone in that way.

it makes me nervous though, every time he mentions something more. I'd always planned on not staying attatched to many people here so I can go live in America orrr Canada as soon as possible- but I want to be able to start from scratch you know? and just be able to be who I want to be without having to think about how it'll affect everyone around me. I don't want to have too many people that I'd really miss.

err IDK what's even relevant to post on here any more.

Second week back at school. this week's better- I was hardly sleeping last week, the most I had was 5 hours sleep in one night. Last night I got like 6.5 so that was better.

I kind of liked not sleeping though, it gave me bags under my eyes which made me look as tired as I felt, not only physically but like mentally as well. Tired of people, mostly.

There's been some pretty bad bush fires around, people at school had to get evacuated and stuff. idk they aren't near my house but like 60 were lost and yeah. sad stuff.

ah, school is stressful already. not really looking forward to this year. need to find a new way to relieve stress or something.

sorry I wanted to post but I passed the internet download limit so it was too slow.

I'm fine, nothing really has changed except I'm going back to school the day after tomorrow. The sooner I get out of that hole the better.

I'm not sure if you even read this any more. there's probably not much point anyway, as if it means anything any more anyway.

I think back on all the things I did (do) to myself and it could almost make me laugh. It's like I was so depressed about nothing and now I'm feeling better I can see how ridiculous it must have seemed. I thought it was ridiculous even at the time. It was just how I felt. Yeah- I still get little episodes, yeah- I have cut recently (I know, I should have said something) but no- none of it feels anything like what it did. I can hardly remember what it was like.

Maybe it was a seasonal thing. idk -maybe it was the stress from school. I wonder if it'll come back this year, stronger than before. Maybe I'll just know how to deal with it this year. I hope I don't keep fucking up this year, all I'm doing is making it harder to let anybody else in, if this is the damage I can do to myself, imagine what somebody else could do!

I don't even know what to post on here anymore. I try to think of things a lot but I never can. I think I'll take a break for a little while.

I'm so sick of having to convince myself that cutting is not going to make anything better when it's all I want. I know it only makes things seem ok for a few seconds but it seems so worth it and I don't want to keep feeling like this. I don't want to feel so lost.

Christmas was a million times better than I expected. i really hope yours is/was good too.

Merry Christmas :3

Hoping it's a good one for both our sakes.

I crave to be in control. I can control how I feel by making myself feel pain. I'm stuck home alone most days and there's no way for me to get out and about. Most of my friends work. I'd made plans with them to go places and they just let me down. They shut me out without reason and it hurt. It would just be so much easier if it was the hurt I chose.

hurting would feel so much better than this does. pain lets you know you're alive but right now I just feel dead inside. I want to cut but I can't. I know I can't. I haven't been able to for a while. I don't know why I just can never bring myself to cut no matter how bad I want it. I don't really care how good for me that is I just want to feel better. I want to feel in control.

I've been awake for pretty much 34 hours. I've fallen asleep for a couple of minutes at a time today but I can't sleep. I don't feel tired at all and I just want to rest. I want to give my mind a break. I wish anybody could be here to give me a hug. I'd collapse into anybody's arms right now, given the chance. I don't know why I haven't been able to sleep but I have things to do tomorrow and I don't want to cancel because I couldn't sleep. I don't think I'd usually post something like this but nobody is online.

I feel trapped. Sleep is an escape, from thinking and from being me and I can't get to it and it feels like I won't be able to for a while.

I keep forgetting to post, or not knowing what to say. I know I said I'd keep posting but this blog to me is a place for me to let out my darkest feelings and I've been good so I just don't know what to post.

One of my friends asked me to the school ball for next year. I was completely shocked. I was so convinced nobody would ask me that I just made plans with two of my best friends seperate from everybody else. Like we aren't hiring a limo or anything, just an old muscle car that my dad owns. I felt really terrible having to say no to him. Like imagine the feeling of going out on a limb like that and being rejected. ugh. I hope he meant just as a friend too, I'm sure he did, but if he didn't IDK what I'd do. ugh I feel bad.

I still have no idea what the other boy (Alec) who was talking to me is thinking about me. I wish I could read minds :3

It's been school holidays. I've been home alone a lot of the time and I live where I can't really walk anywhere so I'm ok with being alone but it gets really boring. I'm still keeping an eye on my weight and I've been considering skipping meals but I haven't acted on it and I feel like my self esteem is growing. I don't know. Maybe it's just the christmas season.

My parents were talking about lawyers before. Mum said to Dad -You should think about borrowing money to pay the tax bill before a lawyers bill.

I knew they were poor but I didn't know they were that bad. I wish I could help out. I mean, for christmas I'm not asking for much because I know we can't afford it.

My sister's moving back in too. I think everything's just stressful for them. Ever since I was younger I noticed they don't show any form of intimacy. I always thought it was normal but now, more and more, as I think about relationships for myself I notice how there's seems purely held together by us kids. I wonder if they'll stay together later on. I wonder if it will be out of love or out of fear of being alone.

okay I think that's everything off my mind. I don't know if you're still reading this but I hope you're having a good christmas season so far.

This week's gone really quikly. Sorry I haven't posted. It has been better since I last posted. Um, it's been really boring here, I don't have a lot to post about. I've been home alone most days and up late- alone most nights. I don't know why but I'm ok with being alone. Maybe I just got used to it? I kind of depend on it now. Being around everyone is so much harder.

It's 3AM and I have a killer headache so I'm gonna sleep it off. how's everything been with you?

I don't need to cut. It's been a rough couple of nights for me but I haven't cut and it took a lot but I didn't do it because then I would be back to square one. I mean I haven't desperately wanted to cut like last night for a long time. Even when I was cutting, it wasn't like that. I hope tonight is better.

I think I came pretty close to cutting yesterday. I'm not really sure why I didn't do it. and I'm not really sure why I wanted to. I think I was just lonely.

He goes to my school. That's why I can't tell him anything. He's real good friends with Shelley too, I know he'd say something.

He told me why he started talking to me last night.

-he was telling his friend he needed a girlfriend. his friend told him to talk to me for a week and see how it goes.

He also told me he's fascinated by me. I've no idea what that's even supposed to mean.

I've been talking to this kid- idk he just started talking to me one day- and I don't know why but I feel like I can trust him. I'm not going to tell him anything like what's on here, but I've told him probably more than I would tell Shelley -Which isn't saying much because I hardly talk about anything. I don't want to trust him so much though. I know he'll just end up hurting me, if it's his intention or not.

But every time I talk to him I can't help but ignore the walls I've put up in the past to protect myself. He has this honesty about him that just seems so genuine. I've never even had a conversation with him in real life- but it's nice to feel like I have an actual friend.