I don't think I've EVER felt as nervous as when Shelley was using my computer today.




Lately I haven't felt much at all. I just feel numb. All the time. It was easier when I was sad or angry or anything, even if it was bad. It was just easier to know what I felt and what I could do about it, you know. Now it's just like waiting for something to make everything bad again, it's so hard to focus on being happy when I'm trying so hard not to be sad. I'm just, numb.

The only thing that's been keeping my head up these last few days is the warm weather. I'm SO glad that winter's over.

How can it be so easy to hide so much pain. Why do people believe me when I say I'm just tired? Why don't they want to see me? Why don't they know all I need is a little help

I need to stop thinking the things I think, but I don't know how.

I can't believe in the things I want to think. I'm stuck.

I feel ok today. Actually ok. I'm ok that nobody will love me. I'm ok that I hate my body. I'm ok that I hate myself. The only thing keeping me here is the prospect of growing up. Even if it is alone. I'll be able to do things I've never done before. I'll know things I never knew and I'll see things I never would have seen otherwise.

I'm so ugly and fat. I feel like I'll never get anywhere looking like this. Nobody will ever care. How could they care if they don't know me?

I wish I could follow my own advice. Everything would be easier if I did. I just need somebody to see me struggling and to help me stand myself up again. Why can't people see past the fronts we put up? they're so transparent.

I hate myself. I really do. I don't deserve to be this way.

I've seriously thought about suicide before and then I decided I wouldn't have to again.

I just want to go.

Sometimes I just wish I could take a bottle of pills and go to sleep and never wake up.

I don't think I can make that deal with you. I can try. I will try. But I know that if something bad happens I would -at least- really want to cut, and I think that if I did cut I wouldn't be able to tell you and I'd end up lying to you and you would know as much as anybody else in my life.

I can't post later tonight. I'm going on camp.

I don't want to go, I hate most of the kids in my class. They're the kind of people that call someone with black hair emo and tell them to go kill themselves. They'd probably stand there and laugh and watch someone try. I hate my class.

I go to sleep so late because I want to feel tired every day. I want to prove to myself that I can push through and get to the next night, it sounds weird but it's the only thing that makes me feel ok about my days -That I had to stay awake on less sleep than almost anybody else and I'm fine.

I cut again last night. I was angry that I couldn't bring myself to tell anybody.

I just don't know any more. I don't know what the point of all this is. It seems like it will never get better. I'll never be ok. I'm angry, I really tried to make it better, to be better and I thought I could do it and now I feel like I'm going in circles. I hate it. I don't want to live like this.

I feel like I've been too far gone for too long. I thought I could get back alone but I've lost the way. I don't know where to go from here. I've been trying so hard for so long and nothing's happening. Nothing's changed, I feel the same but like I've been bottling everything up, even though I've been posting everything it's not the same release that you get from cutting. I feel like I have so much stress and tension inside of me and it has to escape but I also feel like it's holding me together so I don't fall apart completely. I don't know what to do any more. I'm so confused.

Kayla I know you've been trying and you've been so amazing, don't ever doubt what you've done for me.

Yes, I cut. I miss it. I felt something, and I haven't felt anything for so long and I feel like I'm just wasting away. I've been dying inside for so long I don't know how much longer I can keep it inside.

I feel like I'm going to cut. Nobody will notice and only you would know. It's not like anybody would care. Everybody hates me. I can see it. Nothing I do will ever be good enough for them.

Sorry I wasn't posting. I just had to get away from it and stop thinking about it.

I get why I only started blogging/writing in a journal when I was sad. It was when I was feeling something. When I was sad I had feelings to write about, that I couldn't get out any other way.


My friend said that she thinks I'm pretty today. It's the first actual complement I've had pretty much since I can remember. It feels good.

I'm behind in a lot of school work.

I can't even keep up with the one thing I wanted to keep constant in my life. I just want to keep on top of it all but it's so hard. It's pathetic.

I just want to be out of school and I know that when I am, I will most likely want to be back here but now I just want out.


Also, I can't stand thin people thinking they're fat. I get the whole self-esteem thing but it's just ridiculous complaining to someone bigger than you about how fat you are. I guess the only thing I can do is keep complementing them until they realise what they have.

I'm not an outcast- I never really have been and I probably won't be anytime in the near future.
I haven't been bullied.
I have a family a lot of people would die for.
My parents don't put huge amounts of pressure on me for school.
I have awesome friends.
I have people that care.

I just can't handle being normal, I don't want to be left in the crowd, I don't want to stand out. Even the kids who dye their hair crazy colours are doing normal things for teenagers, rebellion is normal. It doesn't make you different, you're still the same. It's impossible to escape. Even the things I feel, I'm sure, are normal for teenagers. The things I think, the way I act, it's ALL expected of me. I freaking hate people. I hate that people expect me to go out every weekend and get drunk. I hate that people expect me to be smart because I can read. I hate that people judge me before they know me and then have the conviction to not tell me what they think of me. I like individuals; I hate people.



My own grandfather didn't recognise me when I visited him the other week. I'm so glad I visited him because I know his time will come soon. I'm glad I got to speak to him.

I don't really want to cut anymore, I generally eat normally. But I haven't become any happier or managed some recovery of normality; I just can't be bothered- wasting energy on hurting myself and time on thinking about how much weight I'm gaining. I've not come to accept that I'm beautiful- just that I will never be beautiful. I've not come to accept that somebody will love me for who I am- I've just given up hope. I can't be let down when I don't have any expectations to begin with.

My posts lately are hardly worth reading, they don't tell you anything, they're more like updates. I need to make it more something that's comming from my being than just what I'm thinking, I have to find the connection from my feelings to my words again.

easier said than done.

There are too many distractions. I don't even know how I feel about anything. I feel fine because I can't think about anything, I can't be happy like this; I can't be sad like this. At least, when I was sad I had things to say, I had ways to improve. Now I'm stuck, I don't know what to do.

I hate feeling lonely. It takes up so much of my emotion. There's no room for happy anymore. All it is, is lonely, sad, angry, guilty, anything but happy.

Not a lot to post tonight. Still feeling trapped, but dreaming of bigger things, better places.

I was considering cutting last night. I ended up just scratching my hand. Somebody noticed today. I don't know if she bought my excuse, she gave me a look like she wanted to say more but she wouldn't because of the people around.

I wonder what she was thinking

Sorry I couldn't post last night. My computer had a virus