He goes to my school. That's why I can't tell him anything. He's real good friends with Shelley too, I know he'd say something.

He told me why he started talking to me last night.

-he was telling his friend he needed a girlfriend. his friend told him to talk to me for a week and see how it goes.

He also told me he's fascinated by me. I've no idea what that's even supposed to mean.

I've been talking to this kid- idk he just started talking to me one day- and I don't know why but I feel like I can trust him. I'm not going to tell him anything like what's on here, but I've told him probably more than I would tell Shelley -Which isn't saying much because I hardly talk about anything. I don't want to trust him so much though. I know he'll just end up hurting me, if it's his intention or not.

But every time I talk to him I can't help but ignore the walls I've put up in the past to protect myself. He has this honesty about him that just seems so genuine. I've never even had a conversation with him in real life- but it's nice to feel like I have an actual friend.

I used to have so much to write about on here, but now - I don't know- my mind just goes blank.

I try not to think about suicide. Just sometimes I wish I could go to sleep and not wake up. I don't know if I'd be strong enough to go through with suicide.

The reason I think I felt like I couldn't be happy was that I don't think I'd know what to do with myself. I'm worried that if I'm happy, I've achieved all of my goals, I won't have anything more to live for. I feel like I'll want to find more. To look beyond what anybody has seen and it will be ok to not come back because I've done everything.

But if I'm happy I won't think these things right? I won't second guess everything I say or do or think or everything people say to me. I'll believe people when they give me a complement and I won't care about the bad things people say because they will be jealous not because it's true.

I don't know how people say "I'm going to stop feeling sorry for myself"

as if it's that easy.

I had a dream that my brother saw my last post and talked to me about it. I was scared -of what he would say or do. He just sat and we talked about it and even if it was a dream, it was the best I felt about anything for a while. I wish it could be like that in reality.

Have you ever questioned your sexuality?

Like, I haven't before. But lately- other than craving some form of intimacy- I've been admiring not just male looks and traits - but girls as well. You know how you get these little ideas about what your life will look like in twenty years? I can see me with men and women. I can see such closeness and love between both sexes and it's so confusing. I've never had these feelings before. I can't tell anymore, if it's just like I wish I looked like that. or if it's more. I really hope it isn't. I mean, I'm ok with gay people and everything but I don't know what I'd do if that was me. I couldn't tell anybody. Shelley would hate me. My family would hate me. My friends would think I'm just attention seeking and would start telling everyone behind my back.

I couldn't handle it. I really hope this is a phase.

And I can't tell if it's me. If I'm doing this to myself. You remember how I didn't think I deserved to be happy? I don't even know if I can do this to myself. I've been really good lately, but this is throwing me off.

I don't know what's happening but I feel like I'm losing Shelley. It's like she's too busy for me or something. I mean, I talk to her but we don't really talk.

Maybe I'm just not worth it any more.

Did you ever feel so alone? and all you could do was sit and look at the stars and wonder what happened to everyone? Where are the people that care? aren't they supposed to be here?

I consider you a best friend too. You're a friend that I really can tell anything to and I've never had that before. You've helped me through times when I was so scared and I felt like nobody understood. And I know I can stay out of that dark place, I know I can get better- with you here.

I refuse to let myself get down all the time. I'm going to keep my spirits up.

Thanks. For being the only one who I can tell these things to, and being able to make me smile.

I've been really conscious about my height lately. More so than my weight. I'm taller than a lot of people, but there are still people taller than me.

I don't even know. Since the dinner dance I just feel like I'll squash somebody or something.

I'm having a real bad day.

I felt so disgusting. I looked in the mirror and I couldn't see anything good. I saw fat and ugly. I tried to throw up my dinner but I couldn't. The only thing left I knew I had was cutting, so I cut.

I really thought I was getting ok. I've lost weight but I haven't been trying and I still look fat. I know that I won't ever find anybody who likes me when I look like this. I can't keep making myself believe I will.

I feel like I have to bring myself down sometimes because why do I deserve to be happy with my pathetic little life when other people would do anything to get out.

I have my computer back. I'm going to try and post more now, so you won't have to worry.

I'm really trying, to be happier. I think it's getting better. It's been so long since I really wanted to cut. I mean- I've thought about it but mostly out of like boredom or something. I've just been trying to relax. I've finished school for the year and I'm so relieved.

I'm sorry. It's hard to post now because my computer has a virus so I haven't really been using it.

Honestly I think I've been pretty ok. I think I really just needed some time out, not to have to think about anything.