So I went canoeing today in outdoor ed, and I was wearing just my long sleeve shirt and my friend said I looked really skinny. She asked if I lost weight, I said no. She said she'd gained 20Kgs since last year. I know she was lying because she does modelling, she's vegan and lactose intolerant- She hardly eats anything except vegetables, and she definitely has not put on that much weight. I wish she didn't say it looked like I lost weight because now I just want more people to notice, I want to lose more so they'll say wow you look good. On the other hand I can't decide if she was just lying or not and trying to make me feel better when clearly I was the most uncomfortable person wearing a freaking skin tight shirt.

Well,
~about 3 people at school remembered my birthday (not including facebook) Some of my best friends didn't even get me cards.
~I got a grand total of 5 cards (including Mum and Dad and the neighbour)
~So far, I've got a travel book as a present from my parents, nothing from my brothers and sister -and even though I know the presents ARE comming and they'll most likely be really good, I just want something now, I want to go to school tomorrow and people will say 'what did you get for your birthday?' and I'll have an answer that they want to hear, instead of 'a book.' and I know it sounds shallow but everybody ought to have bragging rights for their birthday and I get nothing?
~ I didn't even get a present from my Pop who Mum saw just today so I don't know why nothing happened there
~ I didn't get anything from any family friends or even cards from relatives.

and I know all of this sounds really shallow but when it's what you've come to expect over every single year of your life, it seems a bit fucked up to feel so forgotten on your own birthday.

One of my good friends made a video with random pictures of us and it made me cry, that's how pathetic I'm feeling.

Happy birthday! I do hope you have a better day than I did!

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. I hope nothing ruins it.

I felt like I was going to panic again last night. The only thing I could think of to keep me calm was the song 'daydream believer' I don't know why. I just had to concentrate on it. I put it on repeat on my ipod and I was fine. I almost lost control a couple of times too. I hope this doesn't keep happening.

I told Shelley about my "anxiety attack" (If that's even what it was, I still don't know)

Anyway, she started asking me all these questions and I couldn't tell her the truth.

is anything wrong?

are you stressing about anything?

is anything upsetting you?

I said no. There is. So much. But I can't tell her yet, I don't know if I ever will. I just don't want her to worry so much.

I want people to stop lying to me.